BUT I AM FIGHTING FOR THE BEST INTEREST OF MY CHILD! REALLY??????

If I could have a dollar for every time I heard from a parent fighting over custody: “but I am doing it for the “best interest” of our child or children, as the case may be, I would be rich. 

In my 25 years of practice I have made the following general observations: First, most of the time when this phrase is used it is not at all about “best interest” but rather the desire to exercise control, not over the children, but over the other parent; Secondly, parents who really seek to work in the best interest of their children find more areas on which they agree on how to raise their children than where they disagree.  Their focus is not so much on them or each other, but on their children. 

Endless fighting over the children is toxic.  It deprives children of tranquility, the feeling of security as well as challenging their beliefs. After all, children generally love both of their parents equally and they don’t understand the divorce at all.  Their preference would be that you stayed together.  If children could make a list and have their desires heard and considered the list would probably read something like this: 

• An end to parents’ fighting.
• An end to uncertainty about where and with whom they are going to live.
• A return to some degree of normalcy in their lives, (this really means consistency)
• Security in knowing that they are loved by both parents who deeply care for them. 

Prolonged custody battles usually stand as a hindrance to children obtaining these very things they desire most. This is not all, they are often dragged into the dispute b y having to go through the custody evaluation process.  As litigation continues, the parents generally become more caustic towards one another and as much as the parents think they are shielding their children form this, they’re not.  Children, especially as they get older, know more about what is going on around them than we give them credit. 

Granted there are those cases where custody needs to be challenged but  in more cases than not custody and co-parenting can better be determined by the parties working together through alternative means such as cooperative divorce or mediation. 

So the question really is:   Do you love your children enough not to fight over them?

You can read more about the affects of parents fighting during divorce here: http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/contemplating-divorce/200911/divorce-doesnt-harm-children-parents-fighting-harms-child